In the Time It Takes…

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I want to, have to, let those who use infidelity as “self-medication” or revenge know the affect your fleshly selfishness is having on your spouse, significant other, or partner. If you’ve followed this blog, you know that I try to be honest and unbiased about both sides of an issue. So, before you condemn me please know that I understand some of the reasons why you would break someone’s heart by being irresponsibly unfaithful. However, I can never fully support destroying a person’s mental and physical health because cheaters can’t control themselves or give their significant other a choice about the secrecy and selfishness of betrayal.

Did you realize in the time it took you to take make conversation with your office cutie, “ship wife”, or waitress you could have been on the phone talking to your spouse or significant other about how their day is going? Communication is key in a relationship and if you’ve been spending that time devoted to someone other than the person you pull sheets (live) with, then you have deliberately devoted time to the destruction of your relationship. Slow your roll… I didn’t say you couldn’t have friends. I’m saying if you’re doing something with another person that you couldn’t or wouldn’t do with your significant other standing there in front of you, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it at all.

Consider the time it takes you to get up and make a secret phone call, email, or text, you could’ve gone to the store and purchased a rose or a candy bar as an expression of appreciation. If gift giving is not their love language, then you could’ve penned a quick love note, vacuumed out their car, or gave them a hug. You see it takes dedicated time to destroy trust. It takes deliberate time to shatter someone’s future hopes and dreams. I’m amazed and often irritated by infidelity and the excuse that the victim should’ve been more proactive in “saving” the relationship. Have you, who cannot keep your pants up and your dress down, taken into consideration the time it takes to deliberately plan, scheme, and lie so that you can get less than 30 seconds of stress relief. Actually, have you considered you could’ve either put such time into your cultivating a better relationship with the person you’re supposed to be dedicated to or could’ve taken the time to let the other person know they have a choice in how they’ll have their heart broken? It’s going to be betrayal if you stay and be honest or leave and be honest. Infidelity is going to hurt either way. Finding out by accident or by vindictive confession is worse.

In the time it takes you to pick up your “date” or prostitute, you could’ve gone to a park, restaurant, or yes… even a hotel for some role playing with your significant other. You act like they’re not tired of looking at you and your annoying predictability as well.  I’ve heard the illogical excuse that stepping outside your relationship adds “spice” to your relationship and makes you “appreciate” your spouse more. However, short of swinging relationships where both partners sanction such a lifestyle, you’re not “appreciating”, you’re being willfully disrespectful. If he or she did the same to you, as you’re doing to them, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t feel ‘spicy’. I’m pretty sure you’d be pissed… maybe even hurt? But again since you’re getting your cake and eating it too, maybe you haven’t briefly, if at all, considered the consequences of your destruction? At this point I must tell you sin is not only destructive, it’s distractive as well.

Multiply the time takes for you to lie to your spouse about where you’ve been or the evidence of what you’ve been doing, by the magnitude of heart break and mistrust you’re causing.  This is also the time it will take to find an attorney and time it will take to sit down with your family to explain why everybody has to find a house, fill out paperwork, get a new driver’s licenses, go to counseling, get depression/anxiety medication, etceteras. This time is quadrupled when there are children involved. Octuple that number if you have a child with special needs or someone has to travel with your kids back to their parents or a friend’s house because your selfishness includes keeping all marital resources. As the “money maker” in the home, perhaps you’ve given yourself the right to play God and destroy lives? ….or had you never considered how far-reaching your adultery reaches? If such destruction was worth the cost on other people’s lives, then this information is NOT meant for you.

Psalm 56:8 says that God will catch every tear. Psalm 34:18 says that God is comfort for the broken-hearted. But such faith doesn’t stop the heartache that accompanies being betrayed in this manner. Did you know that heartache is real? Broken Heart Syndrome, or Takotsubo (stress-induced) Cardiomyopathy, is an actual ICD10 diagnosis. Did you know that such emotional stress is billable? I51.81 is a billable insurance code. Does it make it better that there’s insurance to address something and someone you won’t? Are you one of those people who are brave enough to commit the acts of sin but perhaps to chicken-hearted to face the consequences? Please, at least make sure insurance coverage is part of the separation or divorce decree. At this point, I’m wondering if slowly killing someone who has to deal with multiple affairs and the emotional abuse that comes with it would culminate into a murder charge, how much unfaithfulness would decline?

Neither you nor the person you’re having the affair with respect her physical or mental health. Did you know that your significant other needs more than just a pap smear to ensure her vaginal health? A thorough health check also includes blood tests for diseases that cannot be seen by the naked eye. Some healthcare practitioners are ignorant enough to ask your victim ignorant questions about why she needs “this” type of testing. As if it’s not embarrassing enough to have to self-advocate for this. Some cover their intrusiveness by saying that she deserves better. That is an understatement. Of course she deserves better! Why does someone ‘outside’ the relationship have to reassure her of this?

This is not a physical rape. It’s emotional rape by someone who was supposed to be dedicated and loving enough to NOT subject her to such embarrassment. Others practitioners are silent. There’s a microaggression in some of their expressions that judge her as if she’s someone who’s been loose and careless in her sexuality. It’s actually you who’ve been loose in your ethics and morals. Has no one ever taught you or have you never stopped to consider that condoms don’t cover all diseases and such diseases can be contracted via oral sex as well? I present for exemplification how Herpes I becomes Herpes II. Both types can spread when no symptoms are present.

In the time it takes you to say that he or she deserved what you’ve done, you should take time to consider that you’re fallible as well. Especially trying to justify what you’ve done. Furthermore, have you considered how your actions have pushed him or her into abreaction or shutting down? Have you considered that your ‘offenses’ makes people ‘defensive’? …or perhaps you’ve been so self-righteous that your subconscious thoughts have given defense to your conscious actions?

It’s not “just” an affair. You have no right to do to someone something you don’t want done to you. Your choice for infidelity tell your significant other that the affair, the prostitute, the addiction is more important than them. God forbid you not apologize or make other people take responsibility for YOUR choices. If you’ve been brave enough to read this article to the end, you now know statements such as, “If you had been a better wife…,” can be equally answered, “If you had been a better husband…,” and vice versa.

If you wanted the other person to feel dumb, hateful, ugly, angry, unwanted, broken, rejected, bitter, confused, enraged, depressed, anxious, shut down, sad, vengeful, and/or to lose faith in not only you but their own discernment, self-esteem, and self-efficacy, then by all means carry on with your wreckage and invalidation. I’m not saying you won’t get away with it. Sometimes the other person knows and loves you enough to be humble enough overlook what you’re doing. You can’t see they love you enough to give you a chance to see their hurt; to change your choices and your mindset. I hope you know you’re taking their kindness for weakness. So, what I am saying is that karma is a relentless beast.

As an unwilling and often blind-sided victim of this lifestyle. I’ve tried to use my experiences and my broken spirit to be a beacon of light to others. This was not one of my clinical psychology classes. You can’t teach this kind of proficiency. There are mistakes I’ve made that no one with proactive thinking and a logical heart need ever make. I write today because I’m a tired participant. I’ve just earned a PsyD in heartbreak. At what point does my compassion and Proverbs 31 faith become dumb-dedication? Better yet, my message to the unfaithful: if you had someone stand by you while you wreaked havoc and destruction in someone’s life, I must forewarn you karma will not extend such grace and mercy.

Bibliography

Is Broken Heart Syndrome Real? (2016, April 18). Retrieved September 20, 2016, from http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#.V-ExCDs9ZeA

Lamberts, R., MD. (2012, December 19). When Is Chest Pain Serious? Retrieved September 20, 2016, from http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/when-is-chest-pain-serious/

The Truth about HSV-1 and HSV-2. (n.d.). Retrieved September 20, 2016, from http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html Information via American Social Health Association

About Chevette Alston Psy.D.

Chevette Alston, Psy.D., has earned two bachelor degrees from North Carolina State University (Multidisciplinary Studies & Sociology), one masters degree in Counseling from UNC-Chapel Hill, and a Clinical Psychology doctorate from Capella University. She is currently pursuing a masters in divinity at Regent University. Dr. Alston has almost 20 years of experience in mental health counseling and treatment. She has also been an adjunct instructor for schools such as Johnson & Wales, Tidewater Community College, Regent University, and currently South University. Dr. Alston is licensed as an LPC in North Carolina and Virginia. She is also trained and Board eligible as a clinical psychologist in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Her clinical skills include EMDR, hypnotherapy, and trauma training. She is currently the director for the Center for Attention Deficits at Christian Psychotherapy in Virginia Beach. Other duties include psychological assessments for children, adolescents, and adults. Dr. Alston’s target populations are women's issues, marital counseling, AD/HD, depression, trauma, anxiety, stress, grief, and parenting skills. She sees a variety of clients in all age ranges and cultures. In addition to clinical supervision, Dr. Alston is also an occasional co-host for local radio shows and is available for public speaking. Esiri Ministries is her grassroots mental health initiative. The women’s empowerment organization was incorporated in April of 2013 and is a 501(c)(3) charity organization. ESIRI is a non-profit venture that is dedicated to the mental health and well-being of all, but the specific population targeted is women of all ages. In addition to psychological treatment, a variety of classes, networking, and conferences for self-improvement and education are offered as well. Contact esiri-va.org or esiri@outlook.com for questions or for more information.