I believe writing this article is similar to writing the directions to solve a Rubik’s cube
or giving someone the cheat codes to a complex video game. If you’ve ever used a cheat
code or gotten the benefits of having a shortcut due to someone else’s work, you
understand avoiding such stress can greatly benefit one’s mental health.
There is often an exuberant decrease in cortisol and adrenaline levels when a person
finally overcomes an obstacle or challenge. Especially when someone’s given you
information that frees you from the anxiety of needing to fully understand everything in
order to solve a presenting dilemma. There’s some information that should simply be
mercifully passed, not gained through experience. It’s not quite the same exuberance or
knowledge earned by going through the pain of the entire process and coming to a
successful conclusion. However, having in some way experienced both processes, I can
tell you it’s close.
Let this commentary serve as a cheat sheet for those who need emotional healing or help
transitioning from relationships and the variety of stresses that comes with them. Like
many of you, I have been on that “Dorothy-goes- to-Oz- to-Meet- Alice-in- Wonderland”
trip where my presence and my right to be respected were denied. Let me add,
“repeatedly” to that, because there’s nothing like the heartache of trust broken more than
Yes folks, there have been times in my life where I’ve lost my way, lost my bags, and
almost my mind but I’m back. ….and like a phoenix rising from anime ashes, I have
something important to share with those who have extensive relationship
trauma/distress or those that will encounter it. My advice is actually two simple tenets
that will change your life. The practice of this process is challenging, but make these
your mantra. Be prepared to stand by your convictions and you’re two steps from
changing your life. Grab something to write with and scribble this on a piece of paper.
#1: “REJECTION IS PROTECTION”
How many of us have dang near sold our souls because we would rather put up with
someone else’s negative nonsense rather than walk away from obvious signs of abuse.
Someone’s got you thinking that if they leave the relationship, there’ll never be another
person who’ll want you or love you. Their arrogance makes it sound like they’re the last
man or woman to roam the face of the earth, and if you don’t kowtow and give up your
life for them it’s you that loses. Never mind the billion other people of all shapes, sizes
and colors on this great earth that will accept you as you are.
I’m going to reveal my Regent University roots and point your attention to 1 John 2:19.
Those who are meant to be with us can’t leave. Likewise, there some people we
passionately desire that wouldn’t stay if we super-glued them to our hips. Sometimes
there’s a divine boundary we keep erasing or crossing in the name of dysfunctional love.
I don’t know whether you are deeply spiritual or a strong believer in karma, but there
are some people you cannot take with you.
#2: BE AUTHENTICALLY YOU!
There’s a relationship Tedx Talk by Tony Verheij who spoke of the “true” love he and
his wife had after over 10-years of marriage. His basic explanation is that he fell in love
with who his wife really was. There was not the typical relationship pattern of getting
used to having her around only to have “the representative” leave after six-months. He
states that when we show our true face to our potential partners and they reveal theirs, if
they’re mutually accepted then that’s the beginning of true love. Pay careful attention
because Mr. Verheij also states that love is blind and we begin to change when we “fall
Point #2 is crucial. It is the secret to emotional freedom and unconditional acceptance in
relationships. That change Mr. Verheij notes when we “fall in love” not only causes us
overlook the warning sign of potentially abusive partners; it also contributes to the
unrealistic fear that losing this person will in some way be a detriment to our well-
being. Instead of running for the hills when our new relationship begins to sour, we
listen to the chemical lies of increased serotonin and become hypnotized by
norepinephrine. Essentially we stop being ourselves and start becoming who we believe
will keep that person around.
If you think about it, we stop being the person that attracted romantic interest and begin
to shift and morph into someone we were not created to be. It’s more deadly if we
fluctuate our weight; make massive changes to our hair; abandon or leave loved ones;
change/quit jobs; give up education; leave children and family, etc. Essentially, you’re
afraid to “rock the boat” because you’re afraid they’ll get angry and leave you. Patricia
Evans calls it ‘walking on eggshells’. Maybe you’re reluctant to say that their actions or
words hurt you because you’re afraid they’ll get angry and leave you. Perhaps you’re
cautious about conflict because you’re afraid they’ll get angry and leave you. For the
sake of “love” how much are you selling your soul or losing yourself to fear?
The gamble of being who you are divinely created to be means that False Evidence
Appearing Real, or fear, will tell you that to be authentically you means that you will
lose something or someone. Furthermore, it will language that this loss will be bad for
your life. Fear won’t tell you that people will come and go in your life. It won’t let you
know that rejection is protection. Fear won’t mention that anyone who denies your right
to be, to be respected, or to grow…. is not a friend. It won’t tell you that true love
Here’s why this is a short cut you don’t need to understand by going through the painful
experience to gain knowledge. Even in conflict, true love promotes growth. I’m an
analogy person, so bear with me. Gardeners don’t suffocate what they grow. There is
constant care where the ground is prepared, seeds are sown, and weeds are pulled.
Likewise, the person who loves you unconditionally has been working on preparing
themselves to be a blessing to you (ground tilled). They will accept you for who you are
and encourage you to be who you are created to be (seeds sown). This is not a Pollyanna
process. They will stand by you when adversity challenges your hopes and dreams.
Expect that there will be constructive conflict that will encourage relational growth
Adversity in life is necessary. Before a seed can manifest it has to be pushed down into
the darkness of the ground. It lies dormant alone or while seeds around it die. Then it
has to break through the aril and push through the ground. Seeds withstand the elements
and sometimes press both ways (up and down) to get nutrients. This means even if I
plant an orange seed in an apple grove, despite the adversity, it’s still going to serve its
purpose and be the orange tree it was destined to be.
I cannot language to you how important it is to be you or become who you’re divinely
destined to be. Accept divine protection and ignore the lies anxiety will tell you when
people are not meant to be with you or can easily walk away. Understand and accept
they’re not a part of the greatness you’re called to be. Be thankful that people are
ignorant enough to indicate they’re not good for you. If you don’t love yourself, why
should anyone else?